Thursday, September 11, 2014

Healing Days

This "school year" has been interesting, as I practice balancing my own desire to plan, organize and connect homeschoolers of all types, with my passionate belief in an "unschooling" style of learning for my own children.

Today I find myself frustrated, irritated and hot. It is a hot day and half the foursome are feeling under the weather. I lost my temper a little bit ago and I am processing the guilty ickies as quickly as possible. I am not feeling 100% myself. I desperately need time alone to replenish and refresh my inner child's need for loving mama attention.

All four of the sweeties are also in need of some focused love and tender care. I have been busy with work and volunteering. Both of these pursuits are also "for my kids", but I find that they don't really care about that when I need to keep putting them off to handle details that seem urgent and important to me.

The thing I am wondering about how to do better is this: am I leaving them to their own devices too often? There is so much else for me to do in each day, and while I respond to their requests, trying to keep myself available, they seem bored. They want to do things with me, but not the things I need to do. Primarily the keeping of our magical cottage - cleansing the copious amounts of clothing and sorting & storing the stacks of stuff, and fending for and fixing the feed that fills and fits into both our budget and our busy-ness. 

It is feeling difficult to be in the moment with them, because not only do I have so much else to do, but I don't really want to do what they are asking me to do. Times 4. Not that I never want to, but lately I am feeling like the moment I start to do something that needs to be done- anything at all- somebody interrupts me. They may just need to know how to spell a word, or want to know where a toy is, but sometimes they need my full attention to discuss, or help to do, something that feels urgent and important to them. 

There are many, many times a day when I hear screaming and suspend my attention for a moment, waiting to see if someone is mad, sad, hurt or just pretending to be one of those things... my nerves are totally frazzled. I am in total reactive mode and I am not sure how to move into "being in the now" mode. The thoughts that come to mind feel controlling, directive and impatient.

Reading back over this post I see the issue. 

It's right there in bold letters. That simple sentence. I desperately need time alone to replenish and refresh my inner child's need for loving mama attention.

All these other issues are just the stories I tell, the words I use, to try to express that feeling.

And in conclusion, I am thinking I should change my RSVP from a Maybe to a Yes for this splendid event: 

Happy Thursday!

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